I have just slept the whole day as well as most of the night. This is part of the course for me, excessive sleeping and it always seems to help. So now I am feeling somewhat better. This past week has been pretty dreadful I have to say. It is hard to describe what it is like. It is as if you are only aware of your own brain and body and the symptoms you are having to endure. The external world becomes largely irrelevant and when you come out of it, everything is just a fuzzy memory.
Now my main symptoms really aren’t so bad nowadays. A dull, throbbing pain in hands, feet and vagina. Muscle contractions in my legs, even up my back at times. However, it does seem to be the unusual activity in my brain that renders me completely non-functional, unable to type or do puzzles, my usual distractions. Anyway, this is just me trying to make sense of the whole experience.
I do believe that the downward pressure on my brain changes my mood and my way of thinking. So, of course, as always happens at these times, I start to imagine that I have been permanently damaged by these drugs and I will be ill for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I don’t really believe this and can usually tell myself not to be so silly, of course I am going to get better. And of course as soon as the symptoms subside once more, I am full of optimism once again.
I know this is what we all go through as we battle with benzo withdrawal but writing about it seems to help me a lot. Goodness me I certainly have written plenty over the past two years about this whole damned business.
Listening to those talks at the London conference really makes me mad, except that I can’t really get mad, my emotions still seem to be suppressed and this is one of the sad things. Those of us who are badly affected by these drugs are in no position to do much about it. We are too ill. I am so pleased that Luke Montagu is well enough to publicise this whole issue.
I hope everyone who is currently suffering will find some peace very soon.